It’s amazing isn’t it, how things said to you in the past embed themselves in your mind and refuse to let go, even years down the line?
[Actually, it’s probably wrong that statement – it’s more about you holding on to the things said than them holding on to you I suppose. But more on that another time.]
We all do it right…latch onto something (usually negative) we’ve been told and make it a part of our identity? When the reality is that often the criticisms levelled at us are reflections in some way of the person delivering them?
I’ve not been very well these past few days – nothing serious just some kind of dizzy-making virus (no down dogs for me!) – but, in the downtime I’ve had, I realised that I’d been hanging on to a whole host of negative messages received during an old relationship of mine.
“You’re always tired”, I’d be told. “There’s that ‘tired‘ face again.” “There’s that ‘ill‘ face again.””You should get out more…”
They frustrated me enough at the time these statements, but the hold that they still have frustrates me even more.
They have me giving myself a hard time at the very moment I need to go easy. Forcing myself into situations that I simply should have avoided from the get-go. Pushing myself when I should be taking my foot off the gas. Ignoring my inner voice and keeping going when deep down I know I need to stop.
Then this week, sending me to work when I should probably have stayed in bed. Half a day I lasted before I took myself off home – half a day I could have spent recuperating.
Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t spend every day concerned about this ‘weak’, ‘give-up’ persona that I was given but it does niggle at me that it’s still hanging around there in the background.
Enough that I’m putting this piece out there to recognise it for what it is (someone else’s projection) and take another step forward in putting it to bed (pun!).
So I get tired. Perhaps more than other people (my Mum would say it’s been a thing since getting Glandular Fever in college – I don’t know how much truth there is in that) but so what. And without (my level of) necessary downtime I burn out. Frequently.
And tiredness, I think (scratch that – I know) is my body’s way of telling me it’s not happy. Which is why after the tiredness, generally, comes illness.
But that’s me. And none of it really impacts my life. Nor does it make me unhappy (on the contrary, my downtime moments are some of my happiest!). Not, that is, until I do the thing where I associate with all the old negativity again, negativity that was never even mine to start with.
So enough I say. As once and for all I let it go.>