Just as I sit down to start writing this post I realise I have a meeting starting in 10 minutes and the tears well up in my eyes. Because I’m angry. And upset. And though all I want to do is write it out, instead I have to put it all to one side and put the ‘everything’s great’ mask back on again.
Which, quite frankly, pisses me off even more (sorry Mum). I spend so much of my life worrying about other people. Putting them first. But when the hell am I supposed to make time for myself?
I’m fizzing like a volcano, ready to erupt and I have no idea of what to do. If I try and absorb it it’ll eat me up but if I let it out I’ll surely regret it later. And it’s clear I need to do something. Because right now, it’s just manifesting itself all over the place!
Over the weekend when the other half was beeping the car horn every time we came to a tight corner driving down to the beach.
Last night as I should have been enjoying my Skype call with a friend in Amsterdam.
Super early this morning when the cats would not stop banging the cupboard wanting to be fed. And when I saw one of the phones having been plugged in overnight to charge…again.
And now later this morning as I’m going about my day.
Coming back to last night for a minute, I was looking at my notes from the last training weekend for the first time in an age when I freaked out on realising there was a task there I’d forgotten about. A teeny, tiny task in truth, but it tipped me over the edge. I reached out to my fellow trainees for some love and support and within minutes was being calmed and soothed by their awesomeness (and a whole raft of boat emojis…).
We’re all in the same boat was the message (hence the emojis…). And we could rely on these friendSHIPs (pun shamelessly stolen from one of them!) to get us through. It made me feel better of course but one thing in particular got me thinking.
One of the group suggested that my panic might perhaps be stress from another area of life. Stress that was manifesting itself here because it was only here that I felt it to be acceptable. And yes, she’s absolutely right. Because, in fact, if I was left to my own devices to get on with it is I need to do I’d be perfectly calm and content.
Which leads me to the root of the stress. The cause behind my angst.
I’m angry with my brother who hasn’t spoken to me for years and who has suddenly decided that it’s time to turn the treatment he gave me on my Mum, the woman who’s done nothing but be there for him his entire life.
I’m angry that my Dad didn’t get a card in the post for my birthday this Friday just gone. And that despite him saying he’d call me about perhaps meeting up that afternoon he never did. Particularly because he had plenty of time to take my brother to London on the weekend and I’m now scrabbling around trying to find a convenient time for him to meet me – all for him to say happy birthday.
I’m angry following a contact update meeting yesterday that my other’s half’s kids continue to curtail our freedom in seeing each other whenever we’d like. That they insist on referring to me as a wicked witch and making out that I couldn’t be more horrid if I tried. That they seem to forget that it’s my car driving them around and my input that helps make sure they have good and fun weekends, Christmases and birthdays.
I’m annoyed with his ex, who is one of the most selfish people I’ve ever known and has dragged this situation out for over two years, playing manipulative and harmful little games with no thought to anyone else, kids included.
I’m mad at him for making me love him so that I simply cannot (and don’t want to) walk away.
And I’m mad at myself, for being mad at all these people and situations! Because it’s a shameful emotion isn’t it, anger? At least that’s the belief I seem to have picked up somewhere along the way. But even that aside, there’s almost always something worse going on in the world (another friend is trying to save her husband’s life!) and there’s also inevitably a flip side that means you shouldn’t actually be angry at all.
Talking of which…
My brother is controlled by his partner and I don’t think has much say in anything he does. Which means I can’t blame him can I?
My Dad has a lot on his mind and, regardless, is notoriously bad at remembering to call when he says he will. I know this – have always known this. So I simply shouldn’t expect anything else. Plus, it’s just a birthday, and I’m not a child!
The kids are all under 10, don’t know any better and, in truth, are being blindly led by their mother. They’re kids. What kind of awful person gets mad at kids?!
His ex’s feelings for me are entirely my/our fault. This is my cross to bear.
[Addendum 27/4/16: this is my cross to bear but not when the vitriol is channeled via three innocent children]
And him. He’s just lost his Mum. Is there anyone I should be getting less mad with right now? I’m sorry my love.
So. I have lots of friendSHIPs but I right now I need a lifeboat – before I lose it entirely and hurt someone along the way. Answers on a postcard (please)…