Posts In: Self-realisation

Words

July 3, 2020

As I sit here this morning I am overflowing with awarenesses. I feel words seeping out of my pores and filling the space around me. The air is so thick with them that I am holding them in my hands. Frankly, there are so many words that I can never hope to capture them all – and yet I know I have to try.

Their truth is at the same time overwhelming and astonishing. Life-affirming. Rescuing. But I have to capture at least a number of them to understand them, absorb them. And the others? Those I try and sit with, slowly letting them absorb unseen – like a heavy rain slowly percolating into the ground.

As an experience, this does happen – it’s not brand new, but it’s been a little while. It’s a beautiful, graceful, awe-inspiring and privileged experience – a coming together of hundreds of micro-learnings. An alchemy of things experienced, seen, read and understood. Magic.

In the past couple of weeks I’ve taken up watching Netflix’s Queer Eye. I remember it from the first time around as a ‘makeover’ show but this new rendition is so much more than that. I’ve felt it touching my heart over and over again – at times sending me into tears. Its fundamental message is one of acceptance. Of understanding. Of unconditional love. And while these are things I believe in so hard that it’s almost painful, rightly or wrongly I spent a long time believing them to be inaccessible to myself.

Somehow I acquired the belief that to be acceptable to the world, you needed to conform to the expectations of those around you. Well let me tell you wholeheartedly that this is NOT TRUE.

But knowing something and embodying that knowledge are two different things – and while I’ve known it intellectually now for some time I still today am learning to embody it.

Which brings me back to today. I’ve been let down this week in a very familiar way, but in a way that I haven’t experienced since we went into lockdown. The space of lockdown however has made it abundantly clear that today I can choose to play this out in a different way – I can, and will, advocate for myself, shouting from the rooftops that this is not ok.

Because I know in this moment that I am more than just enough – I am exceptional. And, in the same way that I will not stand for others being made small, I myself am not to be made small either. No matter what lessons I’ve previously taught myself to the contrary

And you know what else? I know in this moment that I can also do other things that life has over time told me I cannot – I can draw. I can dance. I can write. I can be my quirky, sensitive and, yes, perhaps slightly odd self and make the world a better place for it.

I can and will continue to process my own self-realisation publicly – in the knowledge that somewhere along the way it helps someone else too.

Which segues neatly into my final realisation – around the struggle I’ve had with stepping up to work in a space that’s been calling me for an age. I broached the idea of a journalling offer with students a couple of weeks ago, but I can feel the lingering doubt in my mind that I have the authority to do so. It feels like a big step outside of my comfort zone and (literally) as I write I realise why… I’ve not been told that this is something I can do. Instead it is very much borne of my own artistry, my own vision, my own creative soul. It is me – and that is scary.

And yet. Journalling is quite simply one of my most powerful tools – allowing what I feel in my body, what I feel today in the air, to be expressed and seen. To be seen and realised. To be acknowledged and put to bed. Which makes sharing this work an embodiment of my learning that I need not be afraid, I need not be alone, I need not be anything but myself.

So I say it again, largely for the benefit of myself, it is one of my most powerful tools. And I take the hand of the little girl inside of me who is still very much afraid, and encourage her to be brave.

Reflections…

April 21, 2020

Three more weeks in lockdown – at least. Can I be totally honest and confess that a part of me is relieved? Primarily because my nervous system is without a doubt in the best place it’s been in ages, but also (and these things are strongly interrelated) because I’m moving so much more than I was, and I have buckets of newly-discovered time – which for me is one of the most precious resources of all.

I’ve been musing on what it is exactly that’s allowing me to see the situation in this way and so far I’ve landed on a few key things. Before I get to that though, let me be clear: I’m of course making a distinction between the lockdown and the virus and it is in no way is it my intention to take away from the seriousness of the situation we find ourselves in, nor the danger posed to so many. The broader picture of where we are right now is pretty grim and, even for us, the effects of the virus are starting to knock a little closer to home but, that said, I think the positive aspects of where we find ourselves deserve interrogation – particularly if we’re to learn from them going forward. 

Firstly then, as an introvert, an INFJ and a highly sensitive person I get easily overwhelmed by the world around me (though this is perhaps a surprise to many who experience me as being extremely capable in complex and stressful situations (see my previous post)). The huge reduction in the stimuli in my life as a result of the lockdown is having a significant and positive impact on my wellbeing – one that I can feel every single day. My breath is easier, my digestion better, my skin clearer, my mood (in general) happier. I mean I have no idea what I do with this realisation as we start returning to normality but I really can’t ignore how evident it has been. My nervous system, quite simply, has been rescued and I no longer spend anywhere near as much time hyped up in a sympathetic state.

Secondly, and massively interrelated with the first point, I have been moving SO much more than I do in my normal day-to-day life. And by moving I mean consciously engaging in movement practices – rather than racing back and forth to work, class and everywhere else – and expressing what I feel so that’s it not just all bound down inside of me. On top of my yoga, I’m dancing when I need to dance (it’s not always pretty but I’ve decided I don’t care!), running when I need to run, looning around making nonsensical shapes when it’s needed and I’ve even now ordered some boxing gloves and pads so I can work out my anger when that’s appropriate too. I talk ALL the time about sensing, seeing and feeling when I teach and I now get a chance to embody that in an infinitely broader sense than I was able to before.

Continuing the theme of expressing what you feel, I’ve journalled my morning pages almost every day since this began. They don’t need to make any sense and I never read them back but when I miss them the accumulation of ‘stuff’ in my body is palpable – case in point last Sunday when I had to run around the park (and I quote my own words) “like a highly strung dog that’ had just been let off its lead”. If you take one thing away from this post, perhaps make it this (the pages not the dog!) and see what kind of an impact it has on the way you feel.

Sunday aside, with my nervous system more balanced I’m better able to sustain quality interactions with friends, family and loved ones. The value in and regularity of the time I’m now spending with these people is far improved from before (even though it’s all online) and I’m treasuring our regular catch-ups in a really big way.

Another outcome of the time that’s now available (a result of both the lockdown itself, as well as the nervous system reset) is that I’m properly able to appreciate the small things in life. From taking lunch outside to bumping into students in the street (such a joy to connect with them as real-life humans and not just faces on a screen!) and seeing the garden develop day-by-day, it’s all so much more joyful than anything I was distracted by before. Furthermore, what I would have previously thought of as another tedious task to be completed (putting up pictures, watering the garden, cleaning the cats’ water fountain, even doing the dishes…) is now just a part of the richness of life. I’m not struggling to rush through these things just so I can finally sit down and that makes a massive difference to how they’re approached

And then finally… one last thing that I cannot ignore – the impact of, the glorious weather! My entire life I’ve been more alive in the warmth and the sunshine than in any other conditions and, while it’s impossible to quantify how much of an effect it’s having on my mood, I suspect it’s serving to significantly enhance the effects of everything else I’ve described above. Tomorrow I get to spend my entire birthday sitting in the garden in the sun – and I’ll take that as a celebration any day of the week.

So yes. For me the additional three weeks is not unwelcome, and I might even go as far to say that the thought of being allowed out again is actually more stressful for me than being told to stay in. Which isn’t to say I don’t have my moments (and I do believe there are probably even harder times ahead) but I’m learning so much right now about how I’d like to live my life if I could and I need more time to work out how that might be allowed to continue on in the future.

Am I alone? What’s your own experience? I’d love to hear how you’re all dealing with this lockdown so please do use the comments to share…

Download

March 20, 2020

It’s 5:30am. I’m awake and won’t sleep again until I’ve written this down.

I’ve been writing ‘morning pages‘ for a while now – not needing to write what I’ve written and overwriting my words as I go so that eventually it’s just one big garbled mess.

These past days however I’ve found myself scribbling down thoughts that don’t want writing over – that want to stand as they are. To date it’s been a practice of private catharsis but today it’s something else. Today it wants to be seen.

[Morning pages is a practice of offloading garbage thoughts – to clear your mind before starting the day and create space for creativity.]

We are not alone.

Because what I’m feeling this week is far from unique and it strikes me that there’s comfort for all of us in knowing we’re not alone.

This week has been tough. Really tough. And, despite appearances perhaps, I’ve struggled. I’ve not slept well since the weekend – and on Wednesday I wasn’t that far from a panic attack. My sense of wellbeing changes moment to moment. There’s been worry about income, and uncertainty around travel plans. I’ve lost some future work for sure with other work hanging in the balance. My (landmark… shhhh!) birthday celebration has been cancelled. And yet… there’s also been so much community, collaboration, connection. Plus, in our house, laughter and dancing too (you have to check out this coronavirus playlist on Spotify!).

[On the birthday front, I’m pretty sure it means I can stay 39 forever…]

What were streams of messages are now video calls (my raspy voice is testament to the amount I’ve been talking!). And so many beautiful souls have gathered around in SUCH a supportive way.

But there is no getting away from the fact that where we are right now is unprecedented and, quite frankly, bonkers. It’s no wonder we’re struggling.

I’m both built and not built for this.

Jaime and I joke about how it’d be fun to swap brains for a day (in truth I don’t really think he’s all that keen). Day-to-day, where he’s maybe holding onto a handful of thoughts, I’m grappling with what feels like a thousand. And where he can recognise experiencing perhaps a couple of emotions at a time, I could make one very long list. You can start to see why this week has been a challenge.

Some of this, for me, is there to be worked on. It’s important for my mental wellbeing that I ground myself in the moment and I continue to do that through my practices – whether journalling, movement, psychotherapy etc…

And yet what sometimes presents as problematic is also a source of power. Being able to hold all these thoughts and implications in my mind makes me an exceptional problem-solver and I’m pretty damn good in a crisis. Faced with any kind of ‘situation’, I’m already 10 steps down three or four different paths in my head as I decide what to do – meaning I’ve already unblocked many of the challenges that are about to present.

A case in point… Last Sunday, waking up with a sore throat, and realising that I probably shouldn’t be socialising with people, I put classes online for a week. And then, with Boris’s announcement on Monday, the problem-solving ability kicked up a couple of gears. We were online for the foreseeable, student comms were out, a community WhatsApp was up and running and social updates were live. Yay!

[Until Wednesday when I paid the price for all the adrenaline I’d been pumping…]

Another thing about me – I seem hard wired to help people. On Monday night, all I wanted to do was wrap my arms around everyone and hold their confusion, panic and concern. Which is essentially what I was doing – within my own sphere of influence. My first thought was PROVIDE. It comes from being a sensitive soul.

It’s a much-maligned quality however, and many people in my past have requested that I minimise it. That I “not be so sensitive”. Yet it’s also another superpower – I see and feel what others are experiencing (often regardless of whether they want that known) and am therefore able to help.

The flipside of this is that I tend to seriously overlook my own needs – again a contributor to that anxious Wednesday crash.

Rollercoasters.

All day Wednesday I wobbled – shortness of breath, panic, anxiety, tears… And then I turned the skills I’d been directing at everyone else in on myself – I breathed, moved, walked, journalled. And slowly things got better.

[In case you’re a Springsteen fan… I watched Blinded By The Light on Wednesday night – a great bit of light relief]

I felt better, slept better and woke in a markedly different place. And then promptly got into panic mode again when I totally forgot that teaching online required I actually send students a link at which to meet me!

What do we do about X? What if I have to cancel Y? Will Z be ok? I should call persons A, B, C, D…. My thoughts as I head off to sleep Thursday night.

This morning at silly o’clock I’m sat on the sofa writing this.

And then, later this morning, I dropped the marmite on our tiled kitchen floor – obviously it smashed. Jaime came home from a run to find a carrier bag of goopy marmite/glass mix on the counter and wryly asked ‘what did the marmite do to you?’. I became a little hysterical – firstly laughter, then tears then I don’t know – a muddle of it all together. We called it craughter…

In short, it’s SUCH a fricking rollercoaster and I know all of you are feeling this too. I suppose what I’m saying is, I see you. And I am you.

To those of you who seem to have seen all of this and have been reaching out with eerily timed messages, I am exceptionally grateful (I suspect you have some of this same ‘sensitive’ gene I do). If I’m managing to reach people as you’re managing to reach me I’ll be very happy.

Back to today…

Teaching online continues to be a journey. I said it at class last night but, even if I appear to have all this sorted out, I can assure you that I am very much still finding my way – just like everyone else. Sometimes classes will run really smoothly, other times it’ll be a bumpier ride.

It turns out I can’t teach back-to-back sessions – because holding this space online is exhausting, who knew! I need to drink more water, because talking all day is knackering my throat. I have to make more time for myself.

I’m off to take an online class myself now and, as I go, I’m reminded that I am not a superhero, no matter that every now and again it might feel that way. And neither are you.

Be gentle with yourself. Be soft, be forgiving and be patient.

Thank you.

I continue to be deeply grateful to all of you around me for standing by and supporting what I’m doing. And I will continue to support as many of you as I can – while continuing to resource myself deeply too.

Signing off with love,

Lis x

[I think it’s worth noting that though I picked up the laptop to write this directly this morning, the only way it would exit my head and land on the page was by putting pen to paper. As we continue to spend so much stuff online right now, there might be something in that to bear in mind…]

Picking up the pieces…

January 4, 2019
Picking up the pieces...

From the moment it started to form in my mind, the title of this post was set. It seemed apt after a fortnight of not being well – and of not being able to do any of the jobs (let alone fun stuff!) I’d intended, due to a head that felt as though it was wrapped in layers upon layers of fluffy cotton wool.  

[It also seemed apt after what appears to have been more than a year of not blogging. Yeowch.]

I had big plans for the Christmas break this year – not least a review of the year to date and some serious thought around what the coming year would look like. But life had other plans and it all went very much out of the window as my brain got scrambled, all my ‘pieces’ got dropped and I was left with no option but to rest up – day after day after day!

And it’s been rubbish not being well, but in truth I’ve also been dreading the inevitable moment where I got better just in time to return to everything I’d been supposedly taking a break from – and that I’d been hoping to review and reset!

Except… I’m now a day and a bit into feeling more human again and, while all of my pieces are still there patiently awaiting attention, there’s been this beautiful window in between the illness and wellness where I’ve been able to sit with what is and realise a couple of important lessons from my year, perhaps the biggest of which is that I have given FAR too little time to myself.

Sound selfish? It kind of still does to me when I see it written but honestly, no. I have taken far too little time for me. I have put myself on the very bottom of my priority list. I have in no way recognised the enormous changes made in my life. And I have perhaps most importantly definitely not created myself the space within which to deal with it. And yet I have all the tools which with to have done better.

Life huh? But hey, realisation is everything.

As I’ve begun feeling better, I’ve started moving again – albeit keeping things simple and small. And I’ve been journaling too (it’s amazing the insight you can gather from this simple act of emptying your thoughts onto paper – if you don’t already do so, I highly recommend you start). And as I’ve moved and journaled I’ve reminded myself of why I practice, why I write, and by extension what I hope to deliver as I teach…

Space.

Space that’s created by a shedding of armour, and an unravelling of truth.

It really is that simple.

And so as I head into 2019, with a slowly-clearing mind, I intend to make this a year of honouring myself. And then of course of helping you to honour yourself – if you’ll join me on the mat…

Choices

June 25, 2017
Choices - yogalustco

For much of my life I’ve taken on responsibility for the choices made by those around me – people close to me, people not so close to me. Ultimately, I’ve made whatever people have thought of me (and how they’ve behaved towards me) my cross to bear.

I’ve made it my fault when they’ve chosen to attack rather than understand. I’ve made it my fault when they’ve assumed rather than asked. I’ve made it my fault when they’ve chosen to (whether quietly or loudly) judge rather than accept. I’ve made it my fault when they’ve decided to mock, not hold out a hand. In this latest walk of life, I’ve made it my fault when they’ve chosen him over me.

I’ve been judged to be too much, not enough and everything in between.

And all of it I’ve assumed responsibility for. Somehow my choices, my behaviours, my knowledge, my appearance, my love have not been enough for them. My ‘me’ has not been enough.

The thing is it’s not really my responsibility at all what other people choose to do or think, it’s theirs. Which, writing this today, seems pretty simple but somehow is a revelation that eluded me for years. Weird how sometimes the pieces just click.

Because I’ve been half a foot in one world and half a foot in another for all this time. And I wonder how many of us are doing similar – because we’re choosing to make others’ choices our own.

It of course can be a hurtful realisation in some senses – there are numerous times where people haven’t chosen to stand with me but against me, explicitly or otherwise. But being hurt by someone else’s belief that you’re somehow not good enough is far less painful than being hurt by you yourself believing you’re not good enough – which is what I’d been doing over and over. For years.

Perhaps it’s about time that stopped.

What’s in a name?

May 7, 2017

What’s in a name, huh? Apparently quite a lot actually – as I’ll unfold for you in today’s post. We jump about a bit so bear with me, and allow me to start with a story about a t-shirt I bought this week…

It’s a plain grey and fairly unremarkable t-shirt, apart from the word feminist emblazoned across the front. I wore it the day it arrived (isn’t that always a sign that you love something – when it’s on the minute it’s been bought?). I’m normally pretty blasé about slogan tees but this one is different somehow, because being feminist is a big part of who I am, and behind the word is a set of principles I believe in most strongly.

I believe in equal rights, and a just, contributory, fair society where we’re all judged very simply on who we are and how we behave as our most beautiful, unpolished, unedited, natural selves. I hate any suggestion that we should conform without good reason, and I loathe seeing judgement passed over others because somehow they don’t conform to a norm.

In this vein, I also believe in my right as a woman to be the sole ‘owner’ of myself – free to represent ‘me’ in any manner I wish, including by the name I wish.

Which brings us some way back to the point of this post.

Where names (and women’s names in particular) are concerned, I don’t believe that if you get married you should necessarily take your husband’s name. And I also don’t believe that you should necessarily adopt the title ‘Mrs’.

[Now that’s not to say I believe you mustn’t. If this is your choice, then of course it’s your choice – and I stand by what I said earlier on letting each other be our own selves, however that manifests. I have no beef whatsoever with this, and many of my friends have gone down this road. My feelings are that I don’t believe you should have to. So do what you want, not what you feel you should, and all kudos to you.]

Unsurprisingly then given the above, I was adamant when I got engaged that I wouldn’t be taking his name after marriage. And that the only transition in my title would be from Miss to Ms. Until somehow my mind was changed.

I was born Miss Lisa Nichols and on my wedding day I became Mrs Lisa Innes. And if I’m honest somewhere along the way I became excited about it too. The husband was never keen on me keeping my name, and definitely not keen on the Ms. – and nor were many others I mentioned it to either. So the alter ego that was in charge then (the one I called my ‘autopilot’ in this post almost a year ago now) got me on board.

Except then I got divorced. And immediately that this happened, I shifted from Mrs. to Ms. (which felt good!). I kept the Innes though – it was all too overwhelming to make any decisions about that – too unstable, too new, too raw and too turbulent. But things move on. And so today, 7 years since getting married and 3 years since getting divorced, I’ve begun the process of changing my name…again.

It’s taken such a time because I’ve been unsure of what to do with it to be honest. I’ve known I didn’t want my married name for some time, but reverting back to my maiden name has never seemed entirely right either (though it would be simpler!). Don’t get me wrong, I’ve toyed with the idea but it just bothers me on a number of levels. At a symbolic level for example, on the day I was married I was handed to somebody else and I don’t now want to be ‘handed back’. If there’s anything I’ve learned these past few years (full disclosure – am still learning) it’s how to be me and so I want a name that is representative of this individual self.

So it was no to Innes and no to Nichols.

[An aside… The former is hopefully easy enough to understand, the latter perhaps less so. For sure though there’s no hidden statement, or agenda. It’s simply that that person is gone – gone 7 years now – and I’ve grown and evolved so much since then that taking the name again is an impossible step backwards. It also feels to me like clouding what is a positive and empowering decision with something that seems like (though believe me it’s anything but) a showcasing of failure. Even just practically, facilitating a change back to my maiden name means producing my divorce certificate for all and sundry – which is something I’m not willing to do.]

Which means what then?

It’s been percolating for some time but now I’m sure. I’ll be changing my name to that of Ms. Lisa James.

It is a family name actually – from my Mum’s side – but there’s no hidden statement in that either. It’s a name that has roots for me but is one that I’ve not held before – which makes it at the same time new, forward-facing, and representative of an evolution of self.

If I’m honest some of the delay in me making the change this has been in not wanting to be seen to be making a choice between one parent and the other (my parents are also divorced) but I hope I’ve now been able to explain myself well enough to both that this is avoided (and if not then fingers crossed this post helps).

What’s also solidified it for me these past couple of months has been a speeding up of my understanding and acceptance of self. I’m finally ready to just be me. I know who that is, and I’m ready to give her a name.

So, James gives me ‘me’, James gives me roots, and James gives me my future. It’s not quite official yet but it’s coming. So hello Lisa James – I’m very pleased to meet you.

NB – my personal Twitter and Instagram handles have now changed so you’ll find me on both as @_lisjam. All other change will follow as the paperwork is signed, and official documents changed.

The power of equanimity

November 4, 2016
Equanimity_yogalustco

Equanimity. It’s a word I think about more and more these days, which in itself is interesting given that it’s not something that I would associate with the vast majority of my life to date. I’m (correction: I was) that person who got pulled from pillar to post by both her own feelings and those of the people around her. Who rode a rollercoaster of emotions every day – extreme highs and extreme lows all bundled in together. And who was probably a bit unpredictable to be around – my Dad once described me as lighting up a room, you just were never sure what colour that light was going to be…

But now…equanimity. Or for sure a growing amount of it.

Equawhat?

Simply defined (thanks Google!) equanimity is “calmness and composure, especially in a difficult situation”. There’s more to it than this though – you just have to dig a bit deeper.

Because this definition implies that it’s a transient state – something admirable to achieve in the face of a challenge, for example: ‘it was impressive to see that she remained equanimous in the face of such disastrous results’. But in Buddhism however, equanimity (upekkha) is described as one of four sublime states of mind (the other three being loving-kindness, compassion and sympathetic joy), not a passing thought or emotion but rather a “steady conscious realisation of reality’s transience”.

We try our hardest to grasp onto things and not let them go but – whether it’s happiness or hurt we’re so desperately trying to cling on to – the reality is that at the moment you reach for it, it’s already gone.

And if that sounds somewhat dry and boring, think again. There’s immense power (see my previous post on samtosa) in realising and accepting that the world around us, the reality we live in, is constantly changing – not just from day to day but second to second. Reaching for things that no longer exist encourages longing, makes us feel lost and engenders a belief that our lives are somehow lacking.

It causes us pain.

Living life with an understanding of the bigger picture however,  with full knowledge of its inevitable transience and change, provides us with space within which to not react to such things as pleasure and pain, success and failure etc. It allows us to develop a centred approach to life, from which we become less embroiled in events and emotions, and from which we can develop an inner strength and balance – that equanimous approach.

Freedom

Aware that our personal sense of well-being is entirely of our own making then, ultimately equanimity delivers us freedom.

Imagine that – finding a freedom to just be in the moment, without expectation. A freedom to experience, and be experienced just as we are right now. A freedom from all of our stories.

Sounds good to me…I’ll be continuing to cultivate this one (and introducing it to class too!).

I loved you

June 18, 2016

I loved you.
You hushed me.

I loved you.
You stifled me.

I loved you.
You squashed me.

I loved you.
You mocked me.

I loved you.
You belittled me.

I loved you.
You shamed me.

I loved you.
You disrespected me.

I loved you.
You ignored me.

I loved you.
You denied me.

I loved you.
You abandoned me.

I loved you.
You broke me.

I left.
You blamed me.

A girl has no name

May 31, 2016

So it’s been a while…
…27 days to be precise.

Because, after a prolific couple of months, it’s fair to say my blogging activity has taken a bit of a nosedive. Which you might assume is due to being ‘blogged out’…but in actual fact boils down to what you might call a crisis of identity. A face-off, if you will, between an autopilot that seems to have been running the show for some time and an authentic self that is straining to find her voice.

As you may already know from earlier posts this last couple of years has been a period of significant change for me. Change that, with hindsight, was likely driven by a rebelling of this authentic self, but change that, in reality, has been pretty organic – led by my gut rather than any rational thought.

From leaving my marriage to re-engaging with yoga to enrolling on YTT, it’s all been instinctive. Almost non-negotiable too if I’m honest – things I’ve simply had to do, whether I understood the reasons or not.

But nowadays there seems to be a maturing of this authentic self (I like to call her the ‘me’ me – or mimi, for the fun!) as she realises that to effect long lasting change she’s going to have to take a more active role in life.

But the thing is, the autopilot is strong – significantly older than mimi, quite shouty and very deeply entrenched. And pretty much whenever I’m in doing mode (as opposed to being, the simplest explanation of which I found here) this is what takes over.

Which means that though mimi (me in my heart of hearts, in my very soul) no longer wants to accept being pushed to one side – benched in favour of the familiar – she’s not really sure how to go about changing things. Because even though the old (autopilot) patterns of behaviour have been falling away for some time now, no proven replacements yet exist.

A therapist I recently visited said she recognises this tearing up of old patterns as a distinct stage in a transformation journey that usually happens about two years in (interesting that it’s two and a half years now since I left my old life). A friend of mine though put it in plainer terms – likening it to untying yourself from the harbour only to realise you’re at sea without a map!

IMG_1503

So I have a strong sense at the moment of her reaching to assert her authority but coming up empty-handed as she tries to find the tools (something this therapist is going to try and help with). Which of course helps explain why I’ve been feeling a bit voiceless these past couple of months (well the true me anyway). And why I probably seem a bit more withdrawn, and harder to get hold of, than might be usual.

It’s not that I’m ignoring anyone. Or even that I’m in a bad place. It’s just that I don’t quite know how to be this new me – and if I don’t give her the space and time she needs to consider what, how, or where she might contribute I’ll be back to that autopilot all over again.

 

Newsletter

Sign me up to receive news!




I confirm I'd like to receive emails about news and events!